I'm gonna need a large steak, some mashed potatahs, and a nap. And I'll be ready to go.
- Monty

8.1 seconds. Can we try for under 10?
- Monty

This rehearsal brought to you by the word Dynamics, and the letters P and F.
- Monty

Monty: Tevita, it's in C, so you'll need to start on a C.
Daniel: So you'll need a diving suit.

Monty: I think this music was written for a woman.
Tevita: I can do it!

Money and undergarments will be flying on the stage.
- Monty

Also, no smiling or joy today. Happiness is not allowed today. Thank you.
- Monty

Context: Announcement on Valentine's day about no balloons and other fun stuff.

It's not brain science. Rocket surgery.
- Monty

"You can leave the answering machine off for your solo."
- Monty

Joseph: What do I do when everyone gets here?

Monty: Start herding everybody.

Joseph: Start hurting everybody?

Monty: You laugh now, but just you wait.

Everyone is frozen, worried they'll be chosen. I'm a poet and don't even know it.
- Monty

Monty: I'll ask a question, and you all know the answer.
Tevita: No.

I have the same birthday as Duke Ellington, and we weighed the same as babies.
- Monty

True story, my third birthday, every gift I opened up was just what I always wanted. And I told them that. Roller skates, it's just what I always wanted! Sunglasses, it's just what I always wanted! Box of crayons, it's just what I always wanted! I think that's all I could say when I was three.
- Monty

"Whenever I try to talk loud it sounds like i'm going through puberty."

-Monty